AITA for refusing to pay my boyfriend rent?

AITA – Am I the Asshole, is a popular sub-reddit where people can post a question about a specific scenario and get feedback on whether they’re in the right or the wrong.

We’re going to look at this scenario which I thought was interesting. The post begins with…

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and are discussing moving in together. He owns his home but still has mortgage payments to make on it. He wants us to split all household bills 50-50. I don’t have a problem with the idea of splitting the bills that way and there would not be an issue if we were splitting the rent. My issue is, if we break up it means I have been paying towards his house. He would have the benefit of me making his mortgage payments and I would come away with nothing.

reddit

It’s good that they’re discussing this before they move in. The situations are much more difficult when a couple is already living together but are unclear with their expectations regarding living expenses. In the later case it’s usually a ticking time bomb, that can put a lot of additional strain on the relationship.

Her main issue is not sharing household expenses equally, she feels her boyfriend gets a disproportionate benefit from this arrangement as she is “paying his mortgage”. This is not entirely wrong, but it fails to take into account some risks her boyfriend took:

• Her boyfriend at some point had to make a downpayment on the property. An amount equivalent to many months or even years of rental payments.
• Her boyfriend is liable for the mortgage on the property

She takes neither of these risks, in theory he should be compensated in some form for taking these risks, which he is. He benefits from the appreciation in the value of the home.

Continuing with the post….

I said okay, let’s write something up saying I will get back the money I paid for the mortgage if we separate. He said, “That’s crazy. What if we are together for ten years? I’m not going to pay you all that money.” But that’s exactly my point. I offered to pay all the utilities, both his half and mine, as well as internet and his many streaming services that I don’t even use. These bills are equivalent to more than half his monthly mortgage payment but less than I would be paying if we split everything 50-50 like he wants. He says I am being petty because I would be paying rent regardless. I don’t think it’s the same thing because he and I are in a partner relationship and not a landlord-tenant relationship.

reddit

What she’s intuitively saying makes sense, a portion of her rent will go towards paying down the mortgage. But what I think she’s trying to say is

• I don’t benefit from being an equity owner in the property, and if the value of the property appreciates I don’t get any of that value.

The sample expense list for her boyfriend’s home may look like

Only $750 of his total expenses goes towards the direct principal payment of the mortgage, 30% of his total expenses.

If these expenses were split between the couple, it would mean that $375 of their respective payments are “paying down the mortgage”.

By his girlfriend asking for a written agreement where she gets back the money she paid for the mortgage, she’s saying that

• I will split the expenses equally with you but if we break up I want to be refunded $375 for every month I paid rent. The equivalent of paying $875 in monthly rent for the entire period.

This doesn’t sound like a good solution

• Presuming you are together for 5 years and break up, that’s $22,500 your boyfriend will have to pay you in a lump sum
• What if the property value declines over 5 years, it’s unlikely, but could happen. This would mean your boyfriend didn’t receive any appreciation on the principal payments, will his girlfriend be compensating him for this?
• Not to mention this is all happening as a result of the couple breaking up. At a time when emotions are already volatile throwing a lump-sum payment in the mix is going to make things worse. Or it won’t even be paid at all.

Her comment that there should be adjustments made to the agreement because they are in a partner relationship, not a landlord-tenant relationship, makes sense. But it is dependent on her boyfriend having the same views, and whether the arrangement overall results in net positive benefits for her and her boyfriend.

A few solutions that may work are

1. Both of them are listed on the home as owners
   • This would mean she would have to buy out some of his equity. If the home was worth $300,000, with a $250,000 mortgage and $50,000 of equity she would need to pay her boyfriend $25,000 upfront for equal ownership.
     • You could also choose a different percentage of ownership, it does not need to be half
   • She would also have to split the ongoing expenses equally with her boyfriend.
   • This would put her on a level playing field and allow her to benefit from the equity value in their home
2. She pays rent at the market rate
   • If she was already paying monthly rent of $1,500, then moving and splitting the costs with her boyfriend would be saving her $250 each month. Even though she is not an owner of the home this situation is still beneficial to her.
3. She pays rent at a reduced rate
   • If her rent is less than $1,250 each month it doesn’t make sense (financially) to move in with her boyfriend. She could ask to pay rent equivalent or slightly less than what she’s paying now.
     • This is when adjusting for differences in income would make sense

The post ends with an honest and self aware edit

EDIT: I don’t know if it matters, but I was previously in a relationship where I contributed a lot financially and my partner took advantage of me. When we split up his financial situation had significantly improved and mine had deteriorated because I was always helping him. I don’t want that happening again. I realize it skews my perspective in a way that might be unfair to my current partner.

reddit

Your personal experience with money matters a lot. These are difficult questions and are not purely financial ones. They are deeply intertwined with our own emotions and the relationship. The best thing you can do is not rush into an arrangement that you feel uncomfortable about. It’s much harder to have these discussions when you’re already living together.